Desperation

Tom was sitting in the middle of his History class. Mr. Haggins, a balding old man with a crooked nose was giving the whole class a lecture about the importance of silence during class.

Right then, Tom's cell phone went off, causing the whole class to turn around and glare at him.

"Mr. Kaulitz. The phone please."

Mr. Haggins extended his frail arm for Tom to put the phone in.

Tom looked at the caller ID.

"GREENBROOKE CNTY HOSP"

"I have to take this!" Tom exclaimed, grabbing his bag and rushing out the rear door.

He flipped open his phone and put it to his ear.

"Hello?" Tom said, his voice showed signs of nervousness.

"Mr. Kaulitz? Listen, your brother tried it again. We would like you over here ASAP."

Tom slapped his phone shut and gave a big sigh and looked up at the ceiling. It was the 3rd call he'd gotten this week from the hospital. He slung his big, brown bag over his shoulder and proceeded to walk towards the door of the musty highschool building.

"Stop right there Tom." A voice ordered.

Mr. Haggins walked out of the door, blocking the exit.

"I really have to go." Tom insisted.

"You'll be counted as absent. You know, that'll be the 5th time this week. You'll be suspended." he tried to threaten Tom.

"Look I don't care. I have to go. Like now." Tom urged, his forehead creasing.

"Whatever you wish Kaulitz."

The old man moved aside, with a smirk on his face. Out of all the students he could mess with, Tom was his favourite. He was an easy target. He looked like trouble. The dreadlocks, the baggy clothes. He even had the fact that Tom was always missing school to loom over his head. He watched as Tom pushed the door open roughly and could hear the sounds of a car starting up as he walked back inside to teach his class.
---

"He's in there Mister Kaulitz." the nurse told Tom, pointing to the door to the left.

Tom could see his twin brother, Bill, laying in the white hospital bed with bruises and scrapes all over him. He had small tubes going through his nose to help him breathe more easily.

"You know, we'll have to put him on suicide watch. It's the third time." the brunette nurse informed him. A look of despair upon her face.

She obviously didn't like dealing with death, especially in people as young as Bill.

"What did he do?" Tom finally asked, his eyes glued to Bill's chest, moving up and down.

"He threw himself in front of a bus. The driver stopped, but a bus takes more force to stop than a car, and still hit him. He's doing fine but..."

She could see that Tom didn't really care about the medical aspects of it all. He just wanted to know if his brother was alright.

She looked back at Bill, and then walked away, leaving them alone.

Tom stepped back from the glass and walking into Bill's room. Bill looked pretty scraped up, which made Tom cringe. He proceeded to walk closer, despite how hard it was for him to do.

He brushed his fingers against Bill's bruised cheek. Bill opened his eyes and looked up into Tom's face. He was smiling a bit, though not much, it caused him too much pain to do so.

"Tomi." he said quietly.

"Bill.." Tom said, drooping his head, "What are you doing Bill."

"Trying to die. But they won't let me."

"Well it's a damn good thing they won't! You're out of your mind!" Tom raged, covering up his sorrow with anger.

"I'm not out of my mind Tomi. I can't go back to school. They'll just beat me up. Again and again." Bill said, tears rolling down the sides of his cheeks and creating small puddles on his pillow.

Tom looked into Bill's eyes. He was right. Bill was always getting beat up for how he looked, or how he acted, more so, how he acted around his brother. It wasn't typical behaviour for brothers to show each other. Bill would always give Tom a hug or a kiss on the cheek. He didn't care if others saw it or not. He'd been doing it since they were little boys. It wasn't odd at all for them.

Tom knew it wasn't right. But he loved Bill, he never had the heart to tell him to stop. Some boys at school saw this and started poking fun at Bill, calling him names, sometimes even throwing rocks at him.

It hurt Tom to see it happen. But he knew he couldn't stop them. They were more or less twice his size.

From that, Bill started to become suicidal. He wanted out of his life. He stopped going to school, he stopped leaving his room. Now he was doing things like jumping in front of traffic and trying to hang himself.

Tom started to cry, he put his head on Bill's chest and held his hand.
---

A month later

Bill had been released from suicide watch and was back at home with Tom. He hadn't tried anything in that month and convinced the medical staff he was ready to go back home.

During the time Bill was hospitalized, Tom visited him every day. He thought he was really starting to get through to his brother. He still didn't go to school, but that didn't bother Tom as long as he didn't try to kill himself again.

Since their parents divorced and their mother died of Cancer, they had shared the house. It was big, but they never felt lonely in it.

Tom walked outside and saw Bill laying on the grass, arms folded over his chest, gazing at the stars.

Tom smiled at how at peace Bill looked. He walked over to the grass Bill was laying on, and laid down beside him.

"What are you looking at?" Tom asked.

"Our star Tomi." Bill pointed to a certain part of the sky.

"What?" Tom said, looking over at Bill, very obviously confused.

"Our star. Mom bought it when we were little."

"Really? Oh yeah, " Tom looked back up at the sky, "How can you tell it from the others?"

"The more you look at it. The brighter it shines." Bill said, and closed his eyes.
---

It was a new day, Tom worked an evening job at Starbucks. He wasn't very good at it.

"I'd like a mocha Frappachino. Tall please. A hint of cream but not more than a smidge." a lady, who resembled a bird, said, while fiddling through her wallet.

"Alright then..." Tom said, unsure of what she even wanted.

She looked up when he his back was turned and saw his dreadlocks, she made a disgusted face and continued searching for her change.

Tom turned back around with a plain decaf in his hand and added some milk to it. He couldn't tell the difference, and neither could many of the customers. He handed it to her and took the money.

It was a slow day. Tom sat in one of the chairs and watched the news that was playing on the television. There was some live story going on and all he could see was a crowd of people crowded around the front of a building.

'Probably some big sale or something.' Tom thought to himself, as he started to nod off.

His phone then rang, startling him and making him jump about a foot out of his chair.

The caller ID read something very familiar.

"Fuck." he said, and answered it.

"Hello?" he said, a tinge of aggression, and fear in his voice.

"Tom? Could you head over to the Macy's building at 4th and B please? Please come as soon as possible."

He slammed his phone shut and closed his eyes, furrowing his brows and creasing his forehead.

"Mother fuck!" he shouted and slammed his fist on the table.

He looked back at the television and saw the news scrolling along the bottom of the screen. It said 4th and B.

His gut dropped and he swallowed hard. Fear was in his eyes as he rushed out to his car and started the ignition.

"Fuck fuck fuck start you piece of shit!" he cursed at his car while he fiddled with the keys.

He managed to start it up as he went about 30 miles past the speed limit to get to the Macy's. He used some skilled maneuvering to avoid hitting some cars and a few pedestrians in the road.

He got there and slammed his door behind him, rushing to the front of the building, pushing aside anyone gathered. Nothing could stop him, he feared for his brother.

He came to the front and looked on in total devastation.

Bill's body was laying face down on the asphalt, one of his arms twisted around his back. It was exactly what he had feared. He slowly walked over to Bill's body, still in great shock, to see if he really was seeing what he saw.

It was real. Bill lay dead in front of the building. He must have jumped. His first reaction was to look up at the building. It had to be more than 4 stories tall. He looked back at his brother, and knelt down beside him. He brushed the black hair away from his face. He gently brushed his fingers on his cheek, the way he'd done many times before. He couldn't process that he was doing it for the last time. He brought his hand up to his face and cried.

The last time Tom had saw him was the night before. Asleep under the stars. He looked so peaceful. He had no idea he'd still try to commit suicide. He had no idea he'd succeed.

He felt a hand rest upon his shoulder.

"Tom. I- I'm so sorry. He jumped. We had no idea. He seemed fine." a paramedic tried to console Tom the best she could.

When he didn't answer, she pulled her hand back and walked away.

Sirens were blaring and people were chattering. All of it was just blurred to Tom. All he could hear was his brother's voice playing back in his head.

"Our star Tomi."

He could hear very faint commands from the paramedics circled around him.

"Everybody step back! Nothing to see here."
---

2 weeks later

Tom adjusted one of Bill's bracelets.

"Perfect." he said quietly.

He straightened out his clothes. And made sure his head was comfortable on the pillow. He slipped a kiss onto his brother's lips and backed away from the casket. He turned around and saw a few relatives, students and even a few teachers. He looked and saw in the very back, the very same bullies that drove Bill to do it. He looked up at the sky.

He demanded Bill to be buried at night. He wanted Bill to be buried under their star. A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked back at Bill. He looked finally at peace. He was wearing what he would normally wear. Tom didn't want Bill to be buried in a suit. He looked at the black eyeliner around his eyes, and the nail polish on his fingers.

He watched two men close the casket, spray holy water on it, and lower it into the ground. Tom broke out crying and wiped his tears on his sleeve.
---

One year later

Tom laid the most beautiful orange flowers that he could find on Bill's grave.

Bill Kaulitz
Loving Brother
1989-2009

He looked up at the sky and smiled.

"Goodnight Bill." he whispered into the brisk night air.

He started to walk away looking back at the gravestone. He could have sworn he heard Bill's voice.

"Look at our star Tomi. The more you look at it. The brighter it shines."
---